god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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