Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
