i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
