Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
