There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
