So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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