i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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