Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
And then my night got REAL pukey
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
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