Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
