i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
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