before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
