The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
