so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
