WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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