Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
