Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Randomize
