You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
