I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
My liver just had a heart attack.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
