apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize