Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
