I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
We left the knife in your bed.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
