I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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