he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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