A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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