the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
