I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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