JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
