The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize