I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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