she woke up with a sticky ear
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
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