I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Randomize
