I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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