I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
