People in love make me want to vomit
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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