whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
is this the sara with the beer cane?
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize