I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
