but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Come on in and take your pants off
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
