She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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