my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
