brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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