I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
