well I can't set my house on fire every night
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
