Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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