Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
