He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
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