Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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