getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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