There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize