im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
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