I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize
