I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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