the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
