My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Can't talk, ducks in the car
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