I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
