Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
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