i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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