loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
