Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
