You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize
