im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
