Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Hippo gnu deer
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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