How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
