Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
