May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
The best revenge is premature balding
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
