There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
