Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
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