Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
