walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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