if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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