paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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